The time flew, the time crawled

“What you preserve is the cheeriest memento mori. It is a way to say and mean: of everything that passes, this is what I choose to keep. It is a clear reminder, there for the tasting, of where and when and how you have lived.”

Suzanne’s been gone a month today. She was my daughter’s boyfriend’s mom. A person who loved well and who was well loved. I think of her daily. I think of her boys daily, my girl and all the people heartbroken by her loss. When she was on the last leg of her dying journey I would turn for solace to one of my favorite bloggers, Hannah, from Inherit the Spoon. In between writing about food, her boys, and home, she writes of memories…in the making, and those made, of her mom, who died a few years ago, a lady who sounds like she was also about 59, same as Suzanne.

Recently, Hannah posted the above quote from a book I enjoyed reading a while back, An Everlasting Meal, by Tamar Adler. It made me think of Danny, Brian’s older brother, Suzanne’s firstborn. Both boys left work last March to come home to care for their mom. Danny left San Francisco, where he was a chef at Outerlands, Brian took a leave of absence from his job in Boston. Time seemed to crawl for me as I held my breath, hoping, praying for miracles.

And when the miracle didn’t happen, the time that was left for them seems like it flew. A whole lifetime. Not nearly enough for any of us, glib as we may want to be with our easy platitudes about grief and loss. I just try to remember the Dr. Seuss quote Suzanne included in her obituary, “don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” So like her to want to comfort from beyond. Suzanne, wherever you are, I hope you are enjoying an everlasting meal. We miss you.

Just a Hello and thinking of you

Hello Suzanne,

Perhaps you’ll have a chance to read this, no reply necessary. Just know that you are in my constant thoughts and however things turn out, I think of your kindness, Grace, love, dignity, courage and spirit…this is what I endeavor to share of the people who have been a part of my life, perhaps what most of us remember — the little things, the little glimpses and stories of a day in the life. Should we have grandchildren together, wherever you are I will make sure to include you so that they know their other grandmama well. We will set a place for you at our table always.

Much love for you .

P.S. You have raised some remarkable boys, and your tribe will gather to embrace and support them however we can.

Reality Blogging II

I had another photo edited for today’s blog but a friend sent me a whole slew of forgotten photos and this one got a guggle (a cross between a giggle and a chuckle), so this one it is.

Today’s a much better day –A. (my boy) stopped by unexpectedly last night and stayed for dinner and catching up. I haunted various artisan chocolatiers on the the web and checked out their blogs (my latest fantasy is to have a wee artisan chocolate business, do an internship with one I admire, or at least attend this).

Needless to say, between my kids and chocolate daydreaming, I can perk up pretty quickly (just have to switch the thinking from brooding to daydreaming mode). I finished the eve with Marty, watching the rest of 1949’s Golden Earrings, a super B grade movie with Marlene Dietrich and Ray Milland, the last on her Glamour Collection. They’ve all been far-fetched but fun to watch.

And as Jen mentioned in her reality blog post, if you ever feel perhaps uncool, unpopular, geeky, a misfit — don’t worry. George’s photo above can give one hope.


Listened to Vance Gilbert on WUMB yesterday while driving to get my daughter. He’s doing a show at Club Passim tomorrow night, January 16, 2010. All the proceeds from sales of his CDs at the show will be donated to Partners In Health. When we feel helpless, (or self-absorbed, embarrassed, blessed) sometimes all we got is music.

Hope for Haiti

Got a little sidetracked today — between Apartment Therapy escape and Haiti. It’s Haiti that’s got my heart though.

Please click on this link ( various organization from all walks of life) if you’d like to donate to Haitian eartquake relief efforts. Haiti is the poorest country in our neck of the woods, the photos are even more heartbreaking when you realize how grindingly poor they are and then to face this tragedy on top of it. Don’t discount even the smallest change — like one vote, I have seen pennies make a difference if only for a day.


Here I am, on the eve of Solstice, the tree’s been on all day, my shift was canceled and I’m home listening to ESPN’s “Around the Horn.”
Watching my daughter make several trips into the kitchen for warm Mexican Weddingcakes (my niece’s father is Mexican) aka Russian teacakes (my son’s girlfriend is Russian) aka nut balls (the rest of us).

On the phone earlier confirming one of the teachers for the November 2010 BEAR. That’s right — November already! I haven’t posted much about my process in manifesting this retreat experience, partly because my laptop crashed and this wee notebook Marty got me for Christmas to replace it is taking some getting used to.

But one thing I learned in the process of organizing the March 2010 retreat is: line up your people early! I am blessed this go round as everyone fell into sync with it as I am sure they were meant to. The retreat site has been secured, I had one/half a teacher for several weeks and then all of a sudden within the space of days, I had four more and they’re perfect. The chef soon followed (an art school dropout wanting to return to her tribe).

I am enjoying the back and forth with everyone and am looking forward to introducing them (or asking other bloggers to introduce them). I have the registration and info drafted and the instructors are crafting their classes. In the meantime some basic info:

The Name: BEAR Spring 2010 — Bay End Art Retreat
Where: Overbrook House, Buzzards Bay MA
When: Thursday March 25 – Sunday March 28, 2010
Number Participants: approximately 20

The theme: Art, Nature and the Goddess

The structure: 4 teachers each doing 2 (different) three-hour workshops apiece, 10 students per workshops

The teachers:

Laura Gaffke

Diane Hanna

Stephanie Anderson Ladd

There are one or two more teachers in the works. Come explore your divine goddess nature through art, nature, movement and more in a beautiful natural setting, sharing and enjoying the process with other women.

** image from American Bear

Recap of My Week

“Longfellow believed that situations that call forth our coping abilities are “celestial benedictions” in dark disguises, sent not to try our souls, but to enlarge them.”
~SBB, Simple Abundance

My sister gave me SBB’s book Simple Abundance many holidays ago, and it really helped me through a soul wrenching year in my life. I don’t like to think back to that time because I have many regrets associated with it. Occasionally, I’ll revisit Sarah’s book, but this past year, I have been reading it daily again. Some of it’s trite and I roll my eyes, but much of each day’s writings speak to me in a timely fashion, e.g., on a day I need that particular wisdom the most.

Yesterday was a day of doubts, perhaps because I was cold and tired. But overall my past week was a blessed one, full of hope. My daughter sent me Halloween photos (Ky*ko check out the green man), I checked out a magical place on the wrong side of the bridge, and the gorgeous Miriam and I met at one of my favorite cafes in Harwich. That is a post in and of itself as that was another bit of magic in my week — how generous in spirit the world is if we stay open to it. That’s the hardest.

My girl and her sweetie pie roommate — my kids smiling always makes me smile.

This entry was posted on November 7, 2009, in hope, soul.

This and This and This and This

In spite of myself, I started liking them — virtually, because that’s the only way I “know” them. Not another group blog (as she rolls eyes), with more of the popular names and a smattering of ones I didn’t recognize. I resisted from the beginning but periodically was drawn back to the point where now it’s a daily click. I have less than a few hundred dollars left until my cash runs out (unemployed pending employment this month). Nevertheless, I did this with this. I know it’s crazy perhaps, but this community made me do it — yesterday as a matter-of-fact. Because of this and this.

I read a quote by Willem de Kooning this morning. “When you see the bandwagon, it’s already gone.” to which I say, if I still see it, it’s not gone and if I hope hard enough I’ll catch up.

This entry was posted on June 1, 2009, in hope, share.