It’s been almost a month since I posted last, my mother’s 78th birthday is this coming Saturday, and I’ll bring cupcakes for a (hopefully) candlelit vigil that day at dusk.
Already moving through month 3 without her presence, and for the most part I try not to dwell in the sad places in my mind. I talk to her a lot. Eventually I’ll allow myself to think more, probably to cry more (it’s there, I just don’t want to get started because I’m never sure when I’ll stop), but for now I have the conversations with her that I didn’t have when she was here. As my friend Diane says, “there is presence even in absence.”
It’s October, the month when the veil between our worlds, Mom’s and mine, thins a little. That belief comforts me.
yep, the older I get it moves from my birth DAY, to my birthday WEEKEND, and now it’s slowly creeping up to birthday WEEK, I imagine MONTH is what follows…I love that the September Squam falls around my birthday, and now that I’ve finally gone, there is no doubt it will become an annual pilgrimage for me. As the wise woman says, it is not a luxury, it is a need.
The last time I went to a retreat was when I was 16. It was called ECHO and was at the Craigville Conference Center. And while there were girls there I knew, there were also those there I didn’t. And while it was a Christ-centered retreat, it involved much storytelling, art, creativity and all around sharing as does SAW. Which makes me wonder — spirit, God, art, nature, creation…isn’t it all the same? I know the message of Squam was the same as the message of ECHO — whether we knew each other or not when we arrived, we felt the same thing when we left — one LOVE. Mmmmm, blessed synchronicity.
Years ago I was driving through a part of NH during one of my Vermont camping trips and I excitedly popped off a postcard to my mother, who is from Claremont. She is from the southwest corner of the state, this was the north — Woodsville and Haverhill to be exact — the western border along the Connecticut River, across from Vermont’s Northeast Kingdom.
“I feel this soul connection, here Mom, yet I’ve never been here! It’s like I know this place.” I tried to explain.
Later when I called her and mentioned it again, she snapped, “Well, my grandmother was born there.” She gets testy about family history for many reasons I won’t go into here. And her grandmother is my great-grandmother, you know?
I have always felt magic in the woods, talked to spirits and worshiped deities amongst the trees since I was a small child. The woods are alive with spirits and they are where I am most at home. And so it was in the woods at Squam this past Saturday.
I only went to the art show but I understand now why it is too hard to write it all out in one post too soon. It is an experience that must be absorbed first, savored, to be shared, yes, but to be held onto before letting it go. Like a spirit in the woods.
Here’s a couple of shots of my dream car — I saw it when we were out at St. Timothy’son the first day of horseback riding camp. Even on a gray day, it looks like it can take you over the rainbow, doesn’t it? I love finding magic in our everyday world.
I first heard her singing Paper Wings and Halo on a wintry drive back from Vermont after a Burlington First Night celebration maybe 10 years ago. It was a snowy drive and my Molly was sleeping while I listened in the twilight to Lori on WUMB. It was magical. I was hooked. Her music was a comfort to me back in those days when I was still reeling from my move from Vermont back to the Cape. She helped me feel at home in a place I struggle to feel at home in still.
I then started following her on UMB, listening to any interviews with her, when gigs were, etc. and was delighted to discover she lived in a town not so very far away from me. I went to see her at First Encounter Coffeehouse in Eastham a couple of times (once when she was very pregnant with her fourth or fifth), the old Sippican Hardware Coffeehouse (long gone now), and finally in Easton at the Blackthorne Tavern for a Sunday morning in May. She was the reason I went to brunch. So I could listen to her.
That was when I got a chance to chit chat with her and it was when she only had the three kids and was only doing local and regional gigs. I ran into her in a McDonald’s in the Mansfield area when we were both on our way with our kids to a pre-teenybopper Nickelodeon music Stars sort of show at the Tweeter Center. Every once in a while I look her up – on the net of course – with 5 kids, a husband and a music career, the woman is busy! – and was delighted to discover almost two years ago that she had been “discovered” beyond our borders. I am looking forward to catching up with her again sometime.
Kathy from Tangerine Dreams has inspired me to finally post an entry on my blog. She has a yummy fiber give-a-way posted on her blog about life in the Canadian Pacific Northwest. Her spot of the world is pure magic.
I hesitated to post because I don’t know how well I’ll keep up with this. Commitment to a blog isn’t very easy for me, but I’ll try.
That being said, I am totally smitten with our new First Family here in the USA. They strike me as the real deal, not phony at all, and I am so excited to have them in the White House. I am crushing on Michelle Obama these days…she is one gorgeous and inspiring lady.