Author: Dame

an evolving story, wanting to live a slower life right here and now...reconnections, new connections, and now connections are my passion...phone calls, tea dates and letters preferred over emails...

Down the Rabbit Hole

So…finally…down the rabbit hole that is Facebook. Where I’ve been lately. Other than doing a website for the retreat. Which is what led me to Facebook — reading that it’s a good marketing tool. Only I got sidetracked from the marketing. Because in the end what this whole retreat is about for me is process and connection. And I am connecting! I’ve avoided facebook forever even though I’ve had another account on it for awhile. It was just one more thing — in addition to a blog — that could possibly push me further away from my goal of real time connection. Ensnaring me with its wily ways, luring me to spend hours in front of a screen, after I’d worked so hard to wean myself from hours of daily blog reading.

In June 1974, my family and I stayed in a quonset hut on the edge of the Pacific, where we spent our last few days in California, before leaving Camp Pendleton to return to the east coast.
I was used to moving every two years as we were a military family, but as I grew older, it became harder.

I started feeling torn between two places when my father moved us to Cape Cod from Virginia. He was going to Vietnam (hard enough), and I was entering 4th grade. I missed Virginia terribly (all I’d ever really known was the south and military community). Until we moved to Ohio when my dad came back from the war. Then I missed the cape. We came “home” to our Cape Cod house on school vacations and summers. We moved back here after Ohio so my dad could finish college, and although I was glad to be back, I missed Ohio and the friends I’d made there.
Then my dad finished his degree and he received orders to go to California, something we were all very excited about. It was new and different to us. A place I’d dreamed about. But dreams and reality don’t always jive.

We moved there when I was going into high school and although it was a small, private all-girl’s high school where we were all new to each other, it was still not easy making new friends. I was a shy, sensitive and self-conscious fourteen-year-old. At an age, when breaking into new friendships is especially vulnerable. I missed my friends back “home” on the cape.

The summer between my freshman and sophomore years I went to a Junior Red Cross camp at UCSD that was a lot of fun and opened me up to California and its possibilities. My parents flew me home to Cape Cod for the rest of the summer while they stayed in California with my sisters.

Sophomore year at San Luis Rey Academy was easier as I reconnected and deepened connections made the year before. My first year in a new place was becoming my transitional year, so by the second year I became somewhat acclimated. And attached. Forming tender bonds that I knew could be broken by time and distance when I moved. Still, you do it. Knowing the risk. You make the connections. And form the attachments.

Then a June morning comes in 1974. You say good-bye to schoolmates who are finishing the year without you, and you look back out your car window to watch a shimmery, rosy dawn break over a receding Pacific horizon as you make your way east across desert and a vast continent. You think you’ll probably never see those people again, I mean how could you, the world’s a big place and how can we possibly keep touch through the years…when those things are going through your 15 year old mind on a foggy California morning, how could you possibly imagine almost 40 years later — that you’d see dawn break again over your California friends as you greet them on Facebook?

Blue Moon


12/30/09 Evening journal entry: Blue moon. Low tide. I can tell by the rotten egg smell. Cold clear sunset of winter blues streaking across the ocean’s horizon. I am time traveling again amidst the magic of twinkling lights along the Old King’s Highway.

We’re on our way to sup at the Beehive Tavern. Inside, the wooden booths with high wing backed benches, portraits of early settlers and dim lights propel me further back in time. I haven’t traveled this way in years. It’s good to go back, and I can’t wait to go again.

**Image from here.

2010

Haven’t thought of a word for 2010 yet, don’t know if I will (I love language and would have a tough time choosing just one).

I have done up a website for the retreat though — it’s still a work in progress There’s certain glitches I’ve hit (losing original content and so on when I make changes) but that’s all part of my [steep] learning curve. Squarespace is right on with the support and on a holiday, for goddess’s sake. I cannot speak highly enough of their service.

Overall, this ultra-fussy Virgo (6 planets in Virgo!) is totally digging Squarespace. I like my tea just so, the lighting just so, my shoes have to be just right, my pillow just right (Goldilocks had to have been a Virgo), and so on. So, to say Squarespace rocks the big house is an understatement. It’s only day 2 of my trial subscription, but I do believe I’m sold, sista!

Words


My brain is hemorrhaging words lately — I have books in progress (reading them, not writing them) all over the house and I’m also trying to keep up with some daily writing. Thankfully, I get a wee break today as Stephanie has graciously sent an incredible class description as well as her bio —

I met Stephanie through Pixie, whom I’ve followed and admired for some time now. Dreaming of Pixie teaching a class someday but thrilled to have Stephanie. She’s been encouraging me through my doubts as have the other teachers I have on the agenda and for this I am truly blessed. I believe 2010 is going to be a very good year.

And without further ado (I’m so written out lately, been writing all over and everywhere, time to get back to neglected reading), here’s the sensational Stephanie Anderson Ladd in her own words:

Meeting and Manifesting the Triple Goddess, a 2-day workshop facilitated by Stephanie Ladd, artist, writer, therapist

Introduction: The goddess is an eternal archetype in the human psyche. She has shown herself from the earliest days of civilization to modern times and appears in many guises — in nature, in movie stars and heroines we admire, and within ourselves as we learn to love the divine feminine that we each contain and reflect. The triple goddess can take many forms, such as the three virgin goddesses, Athena, Artemis and Persephone; or Hecate, the triple moon goddess whose three faces represents the new moon, the half moon and the full moon. But for the purposes of this workshop, we will explore the three life stages of the triple goddess represented by the maiden, mother and crone. It doesn’t matter which stage you are currently living in the outer world, we all have access to these three aspects and portals of inner vision at all times if we know how to call them forth. In this 2-part workshop, we will both meet and manifest the triple goddess within and honor at least one of these aspects by creating a 3-dimensional shrine and doll to take home.

Day 1 Meeting the Triple Goddess

In this 3-hour workshop, goddess participants will be taken on 3 guided journeys to meet the 3 aspects of the Triple goddess: Maiden, Mother and Crone. Each woman’s inner journey will provide them with a unique experience of their higher goddess Self in the three stages that we all have access to no matter what stage we’re at in life: the innocent, dreaming maiden; the active, nurturing mother; and the wise, experienced crone. Participants will journal and share their experiences and gifts they receive from the goddess within the circle. Before the end of the workshop, we will construct a shrine, gluing the parts provided so that they can dry overnight for the next day’s manifesting.

Day 2 Manifesting the Triple Goddess

In the 2nd 3-hour workshop, we will start with a nature walk and meditation in search of gifts from the goddess to include in our shrine and to use in creating a soul doll or effigy of one of the goddess aspects we wish to honor and work with. Then, goddess participants will play, decorating their shrine with paint, paper, fabric, collaged images and found objects and making a soul doll/goddess effigy to put in their shrine. We will then share our process and outcome with each other and close the circle with ceremony honoring the triple goddess within each of us.

About Stephanie Ladd: I love working and playing with the goddess within each of us, connecting with the divine feminine, and finding ways to manifest these qualities and share them with each other and the world. I am a licensed therapist who works with transpersonal psychology and creative ways of healing from the inside out, using archetypes, symbols, myth, writing and art to gain a deeper understanding of our soul and higher purpose. I have led many workshops and women’s groups and bring all of my experiences with Native American shamanism, Jungian psychology, and years of spiritual and psychological exploration to safely and gently guide women on their journey of self-discovery.

I love the photos I’ve chosen from her site, called Owl and Crow — both regal (or presidential I first thought, but I like the word regal better) and playful. Welcome Stephanie — we’re gonna rock the goddess kingdom!

Some More Story


“Reluctant journeys: Do you want to grow a little, push up against your edges, push a little bit beyond your boundaries, your fences? A teacher once told me that it’s when we stretch a bit beyond our edges, push a little bit beyond our comfort zone, we grow a little. Beyond our safety net. The part of us that keeps us protected. Safe. (Uninspired). Bored. Our everyday. If you could push a little bit outside of that, what do you think you’d discover? What would you like to uncover? Set free? A piece of your spirit you’ve held onto tightly out of fear of…what?”
~~(my journal entry from Monday)

Okay, so get to the point (I am my mother’s daughter — there really are no short stories in our lives). About this retreat — I wrote about the place and some ideas I had here and here.

It morphs as I go along, taking its own shape. There’s a quote I love from W.H. Murray that I’ve come across so many times in my reading that I’m finally paying attention to it. My recent reading of it is from a Christmas present (granted it was from me to me), the book, “Creating a Life Worth Living,” and it’s from the beginning of the chapter called “The Dive.”

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, that chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elemental truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitively commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no person could have dreamed would have come one’s way.”

So, the dive. On to the nuts and bolts of this retreat. What is it about? Where is it, when is it and so on? It’s four days at the end of March 2010, a Thursday afternoon, all day Friday and Saturday, and Sunday morning. Early Spring, moon waxing full. By early spring, I mean “New England style” with ocean effects, meaning bring layers (and maybe an umbrella and wellies). Basically, like New England weather the rest of the year or as Mark Twain said: “give it 5 minutes and it’ll change.” Oh, and bring some pretty adornments and a longish full skirt that you can twirl in.

I’m not sure how many acres we have to roam, all I know is it’s a lot. What with the large organic farm across the street, the state wildlife preserve, and the wooded paths on the property leading over a stream and down to Buttermilk Bay, I’m not letting weather stop me from exploring. Never have. If it’s cold, wet and windy, I’ll imagine I’m the heroine of some long ago novel (bundled up of course) wandering the fields deep in thought. You can gaze across Buttermilk Bay at the old railroad bridge crossing the Cape Cod Canal. If you’re lucky, you might get to see it in action to let a train across. And I’ll look forward to getting back to a rambling Jazz-age farmhouse with its great rooms, roaring fires in the fireplaces (tea, cocoa and ‘smores yeah!), and kindred spirits to gather with.

What it’s about? I imagine it’ll be something different for everyone. From others I’ve read , the retreat experience is different for everyone, which makes it all the more exciting for me. All I can tell you is what it’s been about for me so far — vulnerability, letting go of ego and control, and challenging my fear of commitment. Putting myself out there, wherever there is. But that’s not all it’s about. It’s about growing through an experience that scares me, the process, the connection and the risk. In the end it’s about my life and its meaning for me. Creating a life worth living. Connecting and creating community through deep play — dancing, writing, creating.

My biggest concern has been that many of the beds are shared, but I have learned that most women are pretty comfortable in community — think Girl Scout Camp, Campfire Girls, Nancy, George and Bess; long ago sleepovers with best friends…

The cost is $600. all-inclusive for food, lodging, and your choice of four classes. In tomorrow’s post, beginning with Stephanie, I will start introducing classes and teachers. Registration opens January 1. Please email me at michelleshopped at gmail dot com for the actual registration form or leave me a comment (I am hoping to develop a separate website but for now I’m keeping things simple for myself — part of committing for me is recognizing what to keep and what to let go of in the process). Updated: January 2, 2010 — completed website.

A Story — Part 1


I used to love talking names with my pregnant aunts, then my pregnant self and friends and even business names with folks birthing a business. I once named a sewing shop for someone — I was just talking off the top of my head, but she liked the name enough to use it, so the Nimble Thimble opened in Newport, Vermont back in 1980. Still have a thimble and ruler with the name stamped on them.

Personally, I don’t like trite, or something that sounds too limiting. For example, even though I refer to my retreat as BEAR, for Bay End Art Retreat, I don’t necessarily want to call it that. My first two retreats will be at Bay End, but who knows? I love to travel and may want to create retreats in different venues. So no names that are venue specific. I’m not sure what it will be but something that is wordplay of a sort, branding — when someone types in BEAR, this retreat will hardly be at the top of the search engines. Now I bet if I googled Squam it would be right up there. Or Verizon, Comcast and so on. So as this dream unfolds, so too, will a name.

Now, go make a cup of tea and maybe grab a snack (I have some salty oatmeal cookies that I love), because I can have a knack for making a short story long. (I rarely write long blog posts because it’s hard for me to read other’s long blog posts — too much info on a screen rather than a page can overwhelm me sometimes).

I’m not sure I fantasized about creating women’s retreats when I lived in Vermont, but when I moved back to Cape Cod twelve years ago, I mourned my beloved Vermont (I still do). Was I crazy?? What was I thinking? I beat myself up for giving up not only an incredible house, but also a strong support network I’d built of friends and local community. There was always someone I could connect with in person, so important for me. I didn’t have to seek hard to find connection when I needed it. A few weeks ago I reread my pros and cons list I wrote when I struggled with the decision to stay in Vermont or leave, I didn’t have the distance from it that I do now — clear as day! — 2 negatives and 6 positives for Vermont, and 2 positives (one, a job that I left within a year after moving back), and 6 negatives for the cape — go figure.

I found a wonderful, very cool (and very old) psychiatrist to help me work through parenting struggles, guilt and grief. Her office was in her home down lanes that twist and turn. The bathroom wall was a mural of Lascaux. She turned me on to Jungian psychology, Carolyn Myss (and her book The Anatomy of Choice, to help me come to terms with my choice of leaving Vermont), synchronicity, the Celestine Prophecy and so on. Those books led me to others and I started dancing, too (one of my longtime friends at the library had told me about belly dancing). Katrina, my dance teacher turned me on to more books and resources — Goddesses in Everywoman, Women Who Run with the Wolves, and more. I was insatiable. I even went back to church for a while — at a church in Baltimore I heard a priest tell us for the first time about the divine feminine, who was there in the very beginning — Sophia — wisdom. I was thrilled to finally hear a priest speak of a feminine power beyond Mary.

Each step I took brought me deeper into a wonderful spirituality and connection I’ve found hard to maintain over the years, and yet that was what sustained me at that time, brought me joy, made me feel good, and gave me a great community to heal and grow with. The community changed over time, as communities do and with that change it became harder to sustain. I stopped dancing, but never stopped reading. I turned to blogs more and more and found another community, still not enough.

I think blogs are beautiful; they have been lifesavers for me in very lonely, dreary times, but I still long for conscious connection in real time, however I can get it. Finding kindred souls is not easy. Maintaining connection is not easy. It takes time, and many people are too busy with hand to mouth survival to take that time. It’s hard, but I do believe it’s something we all need — to take the time.

What I am learning is maybe I need to take the time to be the person to create the connection I seek. And so I begin. Again. More in tomorrow’s post.

** the above photo, taken almost 5 years ago, represents a piece of me that’s still in Vermont

Soulstice


Here I am, on the eve of Solstice, the tree’s been on all day, my shift was canceled and I’m home listening to ESPN’s “Around the Horn.”
Watching my daughter make several trips into the kitchen for warm Mexican Weddingcakes (my niece’s father is Mexican) aka Russian teacakes (my son’s girlfriend is Russian) aka nut balls (the rest of us).

On the phone earlier confirming one of the teachers for the November 2010 BEAR. That’s right — November already! I haven’t posted much about my process in manifesting this retreat experience, partly because my laptop crashed and this wee notebook Marty got me for Christmas to replace it is taking some getting used to.

But one thing I learned in the process of organizing the March 2010 retreat is: line up your people early! I am blessed this go round as everyone fell into sync with it as I am sure they were meant to. The retreat site has been secured, I had one/half a teacher for several weeks and then all of a sudden within the space of days, I had four more and they’re perfect. The chef soon followed (an art school dropout wanting to return to her tribe).

I am enjoying the back and forth with everyone and am looking forward to introducing them (or asking other bloggers to introduce them). I have the registration and info drafted and the instructors are crafting their classes. In the meantime some basic info:

The Name: BEAR Spring 2010 — Bay End Art Retreat
Where: Overbrook House, Buzzards Bay MA
When: Thursday March 25 – Sunday March 28, 2010
Number Participants: approximately 20

The theme: Art, Nature and the Goddess

The structure: 4 teachers each doing 2 (different) three-hour workshops apiece, 10 students per workshops

The teachers:

Laura Gaffke

Diane Hanna

Stephanie Anderson Ladd

There are one or two more teachers in the works. Come explore your divine goddess nature through art, nature, movement and more in a beautiful natural setting, sharing and enjoying the process with other women.

** image from American Bear

16

Off to the Pioneer Valley to get my elf today — for the semester break. The above photo was four years ago when she was 16. Her canine compatriot will be 16 in less than a month. Been out straight lately with my rehab hospital job and catching up on my off days. Not complaining though. I had no income for about 6 weeks and the hours I’ve been getting are so welcome.

Overwhelm, Fear and What Ifs


When my laptop crashed a few weeks ago, I’d been in a fairly regular blog writing groove, but am having trouble lately getting back into the swing of it. Sometimes the thoughts are flying by so fast, I just plain can’t catch ’em quick enough. Then there’s other days where it’s just a struggle — I’d rather tell than write. Maybe it’s the Irish in me and the long line of storytelling history that goes with my heritage. Whatever, here I am today trying to spit something out. Actually, I’ve been working a lot on the BEAR retreat planning — every week brings me a little closer to the pieces beginning to come together and fit well. I have almost all the teachers worked out and can’t wait to introduce them, I believe I’ve finally found a chef, and am hoping to start registration by the end of the month. I know, good timing, huh? What with the holidays and all? But still, just gotta go with it and put it out there. Sometimes I get a little fearful and overwhelmed and the doubts creep in — all the what ifs? One of my mother-in-law’s favorite sayings was “ifs don’t count.” I used to not get it and even begged to differ, but I don’t know, sometimes I think she had a point. She had so much wisdom.

** the photo is one of my beloved niece, Mairead when she was about 10 a few summers ago (modeling one of our crazy vintage hats from our site)…remember when you were 10 and the world was still your oyster?